An excellent article on preventing emotional abuse of a child. Although modern research comes up with some pertinent points on how to prevent, its good to know that our Prophet (peace be upon him) closed the door on child emotional abuse 14 centuries ago. If we can follow his life, like we have been told to do, we will close the door of child’s emotional abuse forever. Some examples from his life are
He never even once talked to a child in anger, even when the child has directly disobeyed by not doing an errand which he had asked the child to do.
He treated his grand children in particular and all children in general with great love by playing with them. The example of him giving a ride to Hazrat Hassan and Hazrat Hussain (may Allah be pleased with them) on his back are very popular.
He also didn’t allow un-necessary stopping of children so much so when some of his companions (May Allah be pleased with them), tried to take away children from the place where he was praying, he stopped them.
One another instance, which I have heard, is that once he was giving a ride to one of his grand children on his shoulders. He came near a mosque and decided to offer Nawfil prayers. He started praying with the child on his shoulders. While going in Rukuh and Sujood, he put the child off from his shoulders, and when he stood backup, he put the child on his shoulders once again.
All this modern research, as mentioned in the article below, is great as it only strengthens our belief that the life of our Prophet (peace be upon him) was perfect and should be followed both in letter and spirit. The article appeared in the Sunday Magazine of Daily Dawn in September 2007.
An invisible plague
Parents need to realise that emotional abuse is as harmful to their child as any other form of it, writes Sharifa Lalani
Emotional or psychological abuse is the most common yet difficult form of child abuse to define. I remember one example of it which occurred when I overheard a mother scolding her daughter for getting a C grade in her class. “You are such a dumb girl,” she told the sobbing child, who could not have been more than five years old. “It’s the same every year; you shame your daddy and I and sometimes I can’t believe you are my daughter.” Although my stomach churned with rage on the child’s behalf, I said nothing because I thought if I said anything the mother would tell me to mind my own business, but I had no doubt that I had witnessed a case of emotional child abuse.
According to Kairys & Hanson, (2002) “Emotional abuse is a repeated pattern of damaging interaction between parents or caregivers and the child that becomes typical of the relationship and conveys to the child that he or she is flawed, unloved or unwanted.” From the outside of that young body, you can’t see the bruises, but inside, the little child’s heart is wounded. This trend is getting very common in Pakistani culture and society. Many times, parents don’t appreciate their children. They restrict the use of sentences like “Hey you have done a great job”. Instead they always try to find their weaknesses or compare them with other children.
Byron, (2000), a psychologist, who has conducted many studies on parenting and early childhood development, says, “The effects of emotional child abuse may be at least as devastating as those of physical abuse.” His research suggests an even greater decline in mental and physical development as emotionally abused children grow older than in physically-abused children. It is because emotional abuse affects the child as a whole and destroys his self esteem. The words which were used by the mother were not of a woman who had spent a bad day, nor was she prompted by the child’s behaviour, but by her own psychological problems.
Dr Jay (2001) a psychiatrist, refers to the “four Ds” of emotional abuse: deprivation, distancing, depreciation and domination. Abusive parents may use one or all of the four Ds to play out their own psychological conflicts and avoid facing up to the real pressures of child-rearing.
Deprivation and distancing: The children are so deprived that they start distancing from their parents and find other alternates, a teacher, aunt or uncle for emotional attachments. Psychologically, unavailable parents rarely cuddle a crying baby or express interest in child’s development. As a result, their babies fail to develop a secure attachment with their parents. A physically-abused child will avoid the caretaker for fear of being abused, and an emotionally-abused child does the same thing, because of the disappointment of not being accepted. Think of a normal parent’s reaction when their baby takes the first step: it’s a celebration, a reason for praise and excitement, but in homes where emotional unavailability is the standard, the milestone is ignored and it is viewed as a demand for closer supervision.
Depreciation: Words like “always” and “never” (implying that the child invariably fails to live up to a parent’s expectation) are keys that distinguish a consistently abusive parent from one who criticises occasionally in anger and frustration. In ambitious middle class families, one of the most common forms of emotional abuses is unfair criticism for any achievement that does not meet the parent’s expectation, such as, when child’s secures a B grade instead of an A. Dr Jeree Pawl, director of the infant–parent programme at San Francisco General Hospital states that “Perfectionist parents may display irrational expectation. They have completely unrealistic ideas about how long an infant or toddler should wait to be toilet –trained, or be expected to be quiet.” The normal behaviour is seen as a deficiency on the part of the child and failure on the part of the parent.
Domination: The use of extreme threats to a child is a common form of emotional abuse. In Pakistani culture, statements loaded with words analogous to ghosts are used to frighten them. Children are often disciplined by saying “Allah Baba” will come or a “Jinn” will take it away. The invisible boundaries are built between child and parents. The child is told that it will not be in his/her favour, if he/she violates the parent’s orders. All parents try to dominate their children in a certain way, by either setting standards of conduct or by imposing parental values on children; but there is a big difference between domination through education, and domination through cruelty. Abusive parent gets his or her way by frightening the child about following his or her wishes. Mullen, Martin & Romans (1996) write: “A study of suicidal behavior reported that a history of physical abuse increased a subject’s risk of suicide attempt fivefold, whereas a history of emotional abuse increased the risk by more than 12 times.”
For some young adults, the experience of having been emotionally abused as children have made them determined to become good parents themselves, but problems do not show up until they have had children of their own. In such types of cases, the therapy involves every member of the family as the problem can not be solved in isolation. Once a parent realises something is wrong, this can open up the whole matter of how the family works and other family members can be brought into the therapeutic process.
I often think if I did the right thing in keeping silent when I overheard the mother calling her child “dumb”. I feel I should have spoken up and said something like, “every one has some strength and weaknesses and nobody is worthless.” I asked a psychologist if she thought that a comment from another adult might have made her treat her child even more harshly. The psychologist replied, “That’s possible, but may be the mother is not able to understand that she had harmed her child in any way.”
According to Rostain (1999) “parents may not be aware that their criticism has reached a point of harm to the child. They may acknowledge stress or tension in the family that contributes to their lack of support.” Sometimes children are able to survive abuse if they find a support system other then parents, like a teacher, an aunt or uncle who makes them feel worthwhile in spite of what their parents say. People should mind other people’s business when a child’s life is in danger, and that means the child as a whole physically, mentally and emotionally.
The treatment of emotional abuse includes counseling and psychiatric therapy. Play therapy and therapeutic day care programmes are available for younger children. Limited attention to the issue of emotional abuse and limited availability of psychiatric therapies for children present major obstacles in managing this problem.
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